I chose “ME”

I can recall a few specific events in my past around the month of August. In August 2008 I was appointed to a Store Manager at the company I worked at, I also started an affair with a lady at work and moved out from home the same month, August, possibly the dumbest mistake ever. I moved back in January 2009, we did quite intense counselling to recover from what I did to our marriage, and to her. Till today I don’t know why I did it, I had no reason to do it. A year later we were “OKAY” and life happily carried on. In August 2019 my family moved to Saudi Arabia, I relocated to Saudi in 2018 to set up a home for us, we planned for it to take 2 years, however I was settled in with a house, a car and a very good income to look after them in less than 3 months since my arrival. My excitement soon turned into the biggest pain I have ever experienced, they moved back to South Africa 4 weeks after they arrived in Saudi. One of the things that kept on echoing from my ex’s heart was “Remember what you did to me in 2008? I will never forgive you for what you have done.” Exactly 11 years later, she hated me for that, and she lived with and suppressed it for 11 years. We were divorced in 2020, again in August, exactly a year later.

There were other signals that I was just plain ignorant of, things I could only remember after the paw-paw hit the fan… “How could I not see it? How did I not notice it while I was there?” to my own detriment, and to the well-being of her heart. I was very selfish. I have pleaded for forgiveness for so many things, but it was too late… the damage was done, beyond repair, from the point of view of a human heart. We have very little contact, none in actual fact. I have not seen her face to face for a very long time, and have not looked her in the eyes for probably more than 2 years.

I had a discussion with my elder brother one day during the time I was still fighting for our marriage, I refused to get divorced; I mean how can I just walk away after 20 years in a relationship with her… He responded “She clearly made a choice, and that choice is not you… Choose to choose.” And on that day, I chose “Me.” Something I should have done a loooong time ago. Just hear me out… It sounds selfish, but let me explain what I mean.

I often listen to people talking about their spouses and partners, about how much “baggage,” hurt and suffering their partners have to deal with, how they wish they would go for counseling or help, how they pray for a word or touch from God. How they were carrying their partners during their tough times, and that it is high time for them to be carried. Things will be better once they change, sadly they want to see a change that will suite their own wants, and not always the longing to see the partners healed and complete. What happens when this person is “healed” and it still doesn’t meet your requirements? Makes me wonder who really needs the healing.

I wrote about this in “Deal or Heal”, but let me elaborate a bit.
During the last 3 years I have done a whoooooole lot of soul (heart) searching with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:26-27 and1 Corinthians 2:10-12 tells us that the Holy Spirit searches the heart and shows us the most inner parts of our heart, thoughts that only the owner of the thoughts know, and thoughts that only God know. Man, oh man, allow Him and He will show you.
The Holy Spirit showed me many memories of events in my past, events that hurt me, scarred me… Events that I was unaware of, events that happened when I was still a baby; and events I was aware of but did not bother to heal from; events that I chose to patch up with bandages of Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll (EDM Raves in my case), but never got healed from it, as soon as its head stuck out again, I would resort to the same remedy, at times more, just to deafen the noise in my heart, it would go away, but just for a short while.


A lot of times we subconsciously look to relive events from our past to heal from, and more often than not we are looking for this in a partner… “This person can bring healing to my past. In my past I was abused, this person will be able to protect me.” “In my past I was rejected; this person will love me unconditionally.” “I was raised poor; this person will provide for me.” Unknowingly we enter into a relationship with a subconscious expectation, and sadly when these expectations don’t get met, we start blaming them; trying to “change” them into what “our” ideal person is, the person that might bring healing to us.

You will NEVER heal a person, nor will a person ever heal you; they might dab the wounds with love, affection, gifts and protection, but they will never be fully healed or meet your demands and requirements to healing. One thing my ex told me, the day I was standing at King Faisal Airport with them to fare them well back to South Africa… “I can’t help you; you need to help yourself.” On the day I thought to myself “How can you say that?” Now I know…
We are there to hold their hands, we are there to pray with them, cry with them, laugh with them… don’t try and heal them.

There is ONE and His name is Jesus Christ, He came to heal the soul, to touch the heart, He came to bring freedom of every thought that raises it self against the true knowledge of God, He came to break the bondage of to the soul. And the Holy Spirit is there with you every step of the way; where ever the Spirit is there is freedom and emancipation from bondage.

One of the most beautiful chapters in the Bible is John 17; It starts with Jesus praying for Himself (John 17:1-5). In the second part He prays for His disciples (John 17:6-19); in the third part He prays for unity of the people (the world) that they will be led to Him by the spreading of the Gospel, that they will come the realization of His glory (John 17:20-26). It is definitely one of my “Go-To” chapters, it can keep you busy for quite some time.
In verse 16-19 Jesus prays that God, The Father, will sanctify them by the Truth, the Word being the Truth (be reminded of John 1, in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the Word became flesh and dwelt amongst us…. JESUS is HIS NAME, the Name above all names, worthy is the Lamb).
Jesus then says “I have sanctified Myself, so that they may be Sanctified by the Truth.” The meaning of sanctify (the word Hagiazo in Greek) in this context is to “consecrate and dedicate to God” and “purifying internally by the renewing of the mind.” Jesus, 100% God in 100% human form did this for us, consecrated Himself, dedicated His whole being to God the Father, so that we maybe purified internally by the renewing of the mind, the soul, the heart.
In Joshua 3:5 Joshua told Israel “Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.” And in Leviticus 20:7-8 God told Israel “Consecrate yourself, be Holy for I am Holy; I am the Lord that sanctifies you.”

I am not whole, I am not complete… but by the Grace of God I am free from everything that tried to tie me down, Glory to God, thank you Jesus and to my best friend, the Holy Spirit. I had to go and forgive with humbleness, I had to go and repent in humility, my pride had to be broken down…

NOW I KNOW… my healing is in Jesus Christ only, she couldn’t heal me, it was selfish of me thinking that, it unfairly added pressure on her. I had to come to the realization of His glory, and the Truth about Jesus and who He says I am, and whatever high thought or imagination that raises its self against the True knowledge of God needs to bow down before Jesus.

I chose “ME”, the true me… as I am digging deeper to find my identity in Christ, and it is truly an awesome journey… I don’t want to recommend it, I want to say “You don’t have a choice”, it is a must… the best thing you can do for yourself, your spouse and all of creation is to Sanctify yourself by seeking His Kingdom and His Righteousness, and we all know how the verse ends… “And all these things will be added unto you.”

DIG DEEPER… it starts with “Being True to yourself” it will reveal the deficit, admitting that you fall short is the first step to surrender; transformation and healing can start.

I know my coming wife is on a similar journey, and I cannot wait for our paths to cross…
I pray a blessing of peace and love over my ex, knowing that God is present in her walk.