It’s been quite an emotionally tough week for me; I have been taken back in thought to a specific time of my life in the last week, thinking back about this time in my life I realized it was a season the enemy was attacking with all guns blazing. I usually don’t have problems sleeping, but reliving these events had me rolling around for a few nights. There is “healing” that need to happen “here.” LET’S Go Holy SPIRIT!!!
I started my fulltime career in 2003, I have been in retail all my life… You don’t choose retail, it choses you… we are a special breed of people.
I was promoted 3 months later to a department manager and transferred to a store in Auckland Park in Johannesburg. I bought my first car short after I received my first pay cheque, I was proud of my nicely kitted VW Golf that I bought for myself, it was short lived though. A few months after I was transferred to this store in Auckland Park, I was hijacked on a Friday afternoon during working hours. It was a horrific event that lasted for 3 hours with threats at gun point, I thought I was going to die that night, I mean, take the car and dump me, why will they keep me with them for such a long time. Eventually I was dumped next to the N12 Highway in Eldorado Park, wearing nothing but my underwear and socks. I ended up hitch hiking back to society, basically naked. “What just happened?” It shook me… was I healed? I don’t think so… what effect could this have on me, move on, life goes on, right?
So, I sat without a car, using my mother’s car for the time being. During this time, I was looking for a place to stay closer to work, it was far from home and without my own transport it was difficult to get to work. Surely, I would find something cheap due to it being in a student area.
I met a very friendly old man, a regular customer, at work. I told him that I was looking for accommodation close by, he very happily offered me to move into his apartment in Braamfontein, it was 5km away and sounded like a good idea. He invited me to his apartment after work to come and see what it looked like, so I did. On my arrival he stuck a beer in my hand… we sat chatting in the in the living room, it was a beautiful apartment, overlooking Johannesburg. After a few more beers he wanted to show me the rest of his apartment, I could see a lot of doors down the hall way, he showed me the room that was available for me, fully furnished with bedding and an ensuite bathroom, I loved it. He then took me through the rest of the house, in the second room we went into were 2 young men in a bed, I got a shock of my life, both naked, the old man went over and kissed them both on the forehead as he introduced me to them… “How do I get out of here? I need to run; I am locked inside this place.” I tried my best not to make a scene of it but I needed to get out of there. I made an excuse that I needed to leave as it was getting late and I was using my mother’s car, he refused and insisted to give me more booze. I had one more drink and told him I really needed to go, he agreed, but obviously with so many beers in I had to use the toilet. He directed me to the bathroom down the hallway. I went in to the bathroom, but there were no keys to lock the door behind me, thinking, let me be quick and get out of here, I barely opened my zip when I heard the door open behind me… “What is happening?” He came up behind me and started touching me inappropriately, every possible spot that was not meant to be touch without permission, which I disapproved of, whispering disgusting things in my ear… I shoved his hands away, zipped up and said “I NEED TO GO, NOW!!!” He allowed me out, I ran to out in trauma, shocked beyond belief… “What just happened?”
No One knows about this event in my past, NO ONE up to now, I was too ashamed to share it, not that it was any of my doing in anyway.
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(I parked the above for a few days, as I dealt with it emotionally, I had this dug very deep and avoided it for many years. The rest of the post was done 4 days later. There is healing in it.)
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These events played off in a matter of 2 months in 2003… How did this affect me? Did I heal from it? The fact that I am taken back to revisit it, with the animosity and anxiety it caused this week tells me I was not healed from it, almost 20 years down the line.
I have been very busy studying about our consciousness and subconsciousness in the past 2 months, taken back to our composition of Spirit, Soul and Flesh (I wrote about this in Just Look at ME in 2020). Where does this all happen… Conscious thoughts, sub-conscious thoughts… what shapes our characters and how do we get back to default mode.
From the day we are born our subconscious minds get fed, it is a huge storage unit with millions and millions of imprints stored in it, prints of behaviours, habits, mindsets, memories, emotions and beliefs… these shape us into who you are, it gives the reason to reasoning…
The subconscious mind does not have a filter and cannot distinguish between what is true and what is false… if info gets repeated it will accept it as truth and the innerman gets formed, perceptions and beliefs are developed. Our character gets shaped based on the internal and external information we are being fed.
The conscious mind will not always be able to recall all these events, but it does play a huge part into it though, literally. The conscious mind is the filter, it processes information and feed the subconscious mind, channelling it with “accepted” information, the subconscious mind accepts the “food” as good for the soul, even if it is not, it fully trusts the conscious mind to filter the “bad” and only imprint the “good’, but we are not in a perfect world.
Everyday thoughts and events shape us, it forms our character; who we are, why we do what we do and the way we do it… if we are not aware of such we are “conformed by the outward, the world”. But we don’t know this, or at least, we didn’t know this until we are filled by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit tries His best to influence us from the inside, to transform us inwardly by the renewing of our minds, we need to respond to His call for transformation towards our true identity found in Christ.
CTRL + ALT + DEL
I heard these words in my mind a few weeks back at church… CTRL+ALT+DEL, it is a shortcut key to reset / forced shut down a PC… It made me think; Which events in my past had an effect on me, events that distorted my view on LOVE, where did I start seeking “acceptance” and be conformed by the outwards. Which moments in my past would have changed my future if I had the opportunity to strike CTRL+ALT+DEL on these moments?
I was meditating on these words, seeking understanding on why the Holy Spirit would tell me these words, then I heard the words “The future will change the past.” (I will share a bit more on this in another post).
The day we fully commit to God, accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and all the steps following it (Baptism through water and the infilling of the Holy Spirit), we are given the chance to strike CTRL+ALT+DEL, by the guidance of the Holy Spirit. There is not one specific event that would have changed my life for the better if it was avoided or given a chance to choose differently, even though all the events combined and formed the character as you know “Dawie” today, BUT, the one event that had me heading towards the real me was the day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I quite often tell new found friends “You would not recognize me if you saw the me of 5 years back.” Things cannot NOT change in the presence of the Almighty!!!! Thank You JESUS!!!!
It will not happen instantaneously… I have been on a deep searching journey over the last 3 years; God has started with me in my younger years, from an infant until my early teens. I had to be willing and aware of what God wanted me to see, the bruises of those years had to be addressed, in my case it was priority, “we” got the shaky foundation stable, and now of late God is working backwards into my past to find healing and release bondage caused in my adulthood.
I have been spending time in 1 John 4… God is LOVE… We LOVE because He first LOVED… with the theme of love in this chapter it ends of with “as Christ is so are we.” The emphasis here is the Tense, it is PRESENT TENSE; it is not saying “as Christ Was so Will you be when you get to heaven…” NO, it says “As Christ IS so ARE you!!!!” Christ IS LOVE, and because you are as Christ is, formed and created in His image and likeness, means that you ARE LOVE!!!!
Our default setting is LOVE. We are created in love, created for love, everything in us is love, we are taught to fear, to be shameful and feel guilty by external forces influencing our conscious mind, filtering into our subconsciousness, forming character… we are not designed in fear, shame and guilt. Unfortunately, our character is shaped by thousands of events and, millions of thoughts, it now requires a “Restore to Factory settings” … which is LOVE.
I often refer to Romans 12:2, and I will most likely refer to it as long as I live, because it is a daily choice, a daily renewal. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind so that you may prove what is the good and acceptable will of God.
God’s will is to have you back in the Garden with Him, free from all bondage, living in His presence and Love, to see your mind clean and clear so that you can focus on Him, so that you can devote everything to Him, every thought and every action. You have the solution to every problem and situation planted inside of you, and for you to feed of it… you need to uproot all the yucky things so that you can start producing fruits. Your delay to respond to healing delays these seed to sprout.
The events mentioned above surely had an effect on me and my character, it will be difficult to try and think how it would have played out if it never happened, if I could CTRL+ALT+DEL it, but the hijacking had me in unattended trauma for years, the old man (God bless his soul wherever he may be) who tried to force himself onto me surely had effects of trust issues and self-esteem in me, leaving deep trenches in my character, in my soul.
I can choose to live with it, and accept it as being “ME”, or I can “Choose ME”, the true me and uproot it, because it doesn’t belong there. The renewal of the mind demands something of me, the Holy Spirit will show these things to me (and I know there will be more), events that I will need to revisit to seek healing, which will bring me closer to wholeness found in Christ Jesus.
I choose to go through the process, even though it will take a few sleepless nights, dreaming about it… but standing in front of the mountain, choosing that it will not define me or my character, will see me being “reset to factory settings”, removing all filth, whether self-inflicted or not. I will climb the mountain, because I know the mountain top is a place of encountering God, a place of alteration, a place of renewing and restoring to the most natural default position, LOVE.
LET’s GO, LOVE and be LOVED… DIG DEEPER
Just a footnote; Spending time in God’s Word will see you being faced with information. You need to seek clarification and revelations of the information in God’s presence, the Holy Spirit will show you and will assist you to apply it in your thought process, this will bring transformation.
Revelations not applied remains information; it need become part of how you think, how you talk, how you act… it will bring transformation.
LET YOUR HEART AND SOUL BE FRUITFUL SOIL, IT IS INSIDE OF YOU, WAITING TO SPROUT.
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